You may have noticed the Ahnoold Classic has returned to Columbus.  As if avoiding Brady Quinn on any given night isn’t bad enough, the affliction t-shirt wearing, muscle heads with oversized craniums and diminutive genitalia, pumped full of human cloning genes and fish tranquilizers, previously only available in Mark McGwire’s locker, are arriving.  So stay the H-E-double hockey sticks away from the Arena District for the next three days.

The Classic used to be a simpler pursuit - a contest filled with greased up bodies ripped from - ahem - spending too much time at the gym.  Not anymore.  Now there’s a full-on conference, replete with exposition hall, product demonstrations, and seminars.

Breakout sessions include: techniques for kicking sand in a weakling’s face and stealing his girlfriend; combating back acne; Spring 2008 Fashion Trends - Affliction vests; Alien vs. Predator - why we need two movies to figure out that Predator could take out any space insect who repeatedly gets beat up by a chick (a critical review and panel discussion hosted by two guys who would destroy James Lipton in arm wrestling); and “Beat the Founder”: a demonstration/competition sponsored by the U. S. Breaking Association for smashing concrete slabs with karate chops: fist, elbow and foot divisions (seriously, this one is real).

The daytime sessions are sold out, and the evening festivities of pushing over local twerps and impromptu Arena Football League discussions, which stretch from Brothers to BW3’s, are first-come first-served.  In all, it promises to be the best Classic yet, and a great weekend for locals to get the heck out of town.

 Kidding, of course.